Jade Goody Two-Shoes

I worked with Jade Goody once, shortly after she became famous. It was a TV show about celebrities and food, and I hated it. I spent two whole weeks wrangling with star egos and biting my tongue, whilst wondering how the hell I'd even gotten into TV in the first place. It wasn't like I was putting my English degree to good use through the medium of promising to shoot people's good sides, just so that they wouldn't start yelling and throwing spoons, which they did often. When I got word that Jade Goody was in the building, I rolled my eyes and let out a whimper as I went with my head-set and clipboard to meet her.

I already harboured a secret loathing for most celebrities, but my contempt for Reality TV Stars was difficult to hide. I'd found that most went from sweet unknown check-out girls, to perma-tanned fame-hungry monsters in the blink of an eye, and frankly I thought it was all a bit rude. I steeled myself as Jade's car pulled up to the red carpet, presuming that she would look straight through me and listen to my briefing with a sulky indifference like the rest of them. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong.

She kind of fell out of the car, and immediately hit her head on the roof. My heart sank as I presumed that in some way this was bound to be my fault, but instead of hurl a tirade of health and safety related insults at me, she burst into a cacophony of hysterical laughter which seemed to go on for several minutes, during which time I started to wonder if she may have actually stopped breathing. When she eventually surfaced for air, she grabbed my hand and in her broad Bermondsey accent said: "I. Am. Such a dozy cow!" and I laughed. For the first time in a fortnight.

I walked her to the studio and she listened intently to my briefing, asking questions to make sure she'd got everything right, then as she went in she turned to me nervously and said: "Do I look alright?" I couldn't help but smile at how sweet and unaffected she was, and happily told her she looked great. And she really did.

Throughout the course of the show she consumed rather a lot of wine, and when I went to collect her for the walk back down the red carpet, she flung her arms around me and drew me close to her voluptuous bosom, whispering: "I think I'm DRUNK! Walk with me so I don't fall over." And so, Jade Goody and I walked down the red carpet, smiling for the paparazzi who had no idea that I was supporting her entire weight.

She hugged me again as we approached her awaiting limo, and through hiccups said: "My nickname for you is: Laura Big Eyes because your name is Laura AND you've got big eyes." Swaying on the spot she flashed that massive grin of hers at me, clearly proud of her pure genius, then furrowing her brow said: "But what's your nickname for me?"

"Ummmm, Jade....Goody....two-shoes?" I shrugged, wondering if she'd get into the car soon, but she didn't. She just looked at me through squinted eyes, then looked at the sky, then looked back at me and said: "I don't get it."

"You know, as in the saying Goody two-shoes...?" Still she stood in confused silence, concentrating really hard on understanding my pun. Finally she shrugged and said: "You're funny!" like I'd just made the whole thing up, and with that she climbed into her car and I waved her off.

As I turned to go back to the studio I heard someone shout my name, it was Jade hanging out the window of her limo waving at me and shouting: "I get it! Jade Goody two-shoes...because My name's Jade Goody and I've got TWO SHOES! I told you you're funny!" and with that she was gone.

Jade may not have had the brightest of minds. She certainly didn't know where 'East Angular' is, or if Americans speak English, or whether a strawberry is a fruit or a vegetable, but she struck a chord with people. Whether it was her nudity in The Big Brother House, her ill-judged attack on Shilpa Shetty, or her untimely death, Jade Goody made people talk, and think, and react. And in the end, The Bermondsey Girl really did do good.